I have come to realize something so profound for myself – and it’s something that I see more and more in so many women in the world today…
I was raised to be strong and independent. My Nana always said, “…never rely on a man to take care of you… you can handle everything on your own…” I took pride in being both of these things, while still allowing my feminine nature to shine through because at my core, I am a woman who longs to love and be loved… nurture others and be supported at the same time.
But I have always found it hard to accept “help” or allow my partner to take the reins and play “man” – I could do it on my own, after all.
And because of this, I believe that it caused my past partners to feel like they weren’t needed, even though I did my best to show and tell them that they were – maybe it just wasn’t communicated in the right way – such as true surrender. I was told often in my last relationship (of 11 years) that sometimes I need to just allow myself to be taken care of (although I know he appreciated my confidence and ability to handle my shit)… but that felt uncomfortable. It created uncertainty, despite my trust in him. Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to be left to pick up all the pieces. I had this unrelenting need to feel safe on my own…
As women, we accept the responsibility of being all things for all people. And when we do say “no” or “my plate is full,” so many of us are left to feel less than. But we do this to ourselves. And it’s hard to accept the truth that WE TEACH others how to treat us.
We don’t have to do it all… even though we are fully capable of doing so.
And what I have come to realize is that, despite being strong and independent and proud that I CAN take care of myself ON MY OWN… I’ve decided that I don’t want to!
I want to get back to that place where MEN were REAL MEN and WOMEN were honored, celebrated and appreciated for bringing life into this world. I want to be a wife and a mother and I want to fill my home with love, laughter and way too many memories to count.
I want my life’s work to be positively impacting others, as I am so blessed to be doing now. And I genuinely don’t want that to change. But I also want to feel good about my decision to allow another person to love and provide for myself and our children. I don’t want to feel bad for accepting this gift from another. Because in the end, every person in any type of relationship is a giver and a taker at times… THAT is a relationship. What that looks like depends on the partnership.
So guess what? I’m surrendering. Because I have proven that I can absolutely manage on my own. I’ve done so for 34 years now. Truthfully, I LOVE being as strong and independent as I am… (and I love my alone time… a lot!), but I finally understand what all of my girlfriends have been saying all these years…
Just because you aren’t the bread-winner… just because your partner pays the mortgage… just because you ENJOY being a mother and wife… does NOT make you “less than”…
You can be strong and independent, yet vulnerable and feminine at the same time. You can be a wife and a mother and still hold onto your own identity. You don’t have to be all things to all people and by saying “no” you are not only respecting yourself, but you are respecting those around you as well. You are providing the space for yourself to love more and accept more love in return.
So today I say FUCK IT! I am a strong and independent woman who is willing to be vulnerable and surrender to love. I am ready to open myself up for the right person to come in and sweep me off my feet. I am letting go of preconceived notions of what today’s woman “should” look or act like.
I am a strong and independent woman who just so happens to be really excited to get married, make babies and create a life together – including allowing my husband to provide for us in the capacity that allows him to feel loved, needed and appreciated (whatever that looks like). Because at the end of the day, we all want to be needed. And I don’t need to make all the money in the world to feel like I matter. I bring a lot to the table… and I can’t wait to share that with someone who is just as excited to share their deepest desires with me as well.
Excerpt from Jennifer White via Elephant Journal
Love isn’t static.
It swirls around you like balmy air sent up from the south.
The wind catches your hair, and a few strands stick in the moist crease of your lips. You reach with your hand to move it, but you don’t have to because he gets there first and brushes it aside.
He gently touches your cheek with his slightly coarse fingertips…
You look up into his eyes (he doesn’t have to tilt your chin to him with his hand because you’re assertive enough to move yourself), and your shared gaze lingers a beat past your comfort zone—and in that moment you learn a lot.
You learn that you’re vulnerable, and that you need him—and you think you saw that he’s not as afraid of this as you are.
He’s not afraid to be vulnerable, because he’s naturally confident and understands his emotions much better than you know you’ll ever understand your own, and it’s not because you don’t want to be raw and open and accessible—it’s just because you’re scared.